Why Waiting is Holy

Last night, during a worship service at our church, one of our pastors encouraged us during our closing prayer time to offer our burdens to the Lord.  And, I knew what burden I was willing to lay open-handed before the Lord.  I asked God to take the burden of this wait from us and bring our son home.  Immediately, I felt the Holy Spirit speak to my heart and say, "Waiting is holy."  I knew right then, that He had spoken a word of correction to my heart.  Waiting is not a burden. 

But, what did He mean when He said that it is holy?  I came home still thinking about the message from the Holy Spirit.  I looked up the word "holy" to read the definition.  I even searched that particular phrase on the internet. But, I had nothing.  Before I went to bed last night, I said a prayer that the Holy Spirit would help me understand what He meant because, as I have recently learned in the Bible Study I am currently doing with some ladies at my house, the Holy Spirit is Truth.  And, He is our Counselor.  He doesn't only want us to KNOW truth, but He will lead us to UNDERSTAND truth as well.  So, I prayed and then went to sleep.

This morning, as I was thinking about it again, the Holy Spirit helped me to unpack that little phrase.  When Neal is out of town, one of my children's favorite things to do is to take a turn "spending the night" with Mom.  It is a little tradition that we have, and they love it.  This morning, as I was watching one of them sleep in our bed, I realized that I am never in a hurry to wake up my children when they have time to get enough sleep.  I know they need a break from routines and life as much as I do.  And, honestly, watching them sleep and waiting for them to wake up is still a joy for me, even when it is my junior high kiddo.  

And, I think that is the moment when it hit me.  Waiting is Holy when it is a shared experience.  When you think about the times that you have spent holding a friend's hand as they waited for news with no idea of the outcome, or sitting beside someone in a waiting room as you both waited for word on a loved one's operation, or when you waited by your phone to hear that a friend's baby had arrived safely and mother and baby were both well...these are times in our lives that we would never consider to be a burden. We are never going to be sad or regret that we took the time out of our lives to sit expectantly with someone we love while they are waiting. 

But, I think it is the fact that it is a shared experience that makes it holy.  Just like you would never regret taking the time out of our busy life to sit with a loved one while they wait, that person will never, ever forget that you shared that moment with them. They will always remember that you were by their side. It does not mean that it was a GOOD time in their lives. Waiting is almost always hard.  But, those people who wait WITH us, who encourage us, who hold our hand, who cry with us, who lift us up and pray for us...they will be dear to us forever.  Because waiting is Holy when it is a shared experience.

We started this adoption process in 2011, in what was supposed to be a 12-month adoption process from Ethiopia. Almost 7 years later, I think Neal and I would both tell you that waiting hasn't gotten any easier.  In fact, I think if we were being honest, we would say that the last year of this wait has been the hardest.  But, what hit me last night is that even though the Holy Spirit doesn't enjoy our pain, or our frustration, or our suffering, He was telling me last night that these last 80 months He has never seen as a burden.  He has sat with us and held our hands when we started this process for Ethiopia.  He was with us when we pursued and lost a referral for twin baby boys from the Democratic Republic of the Congo.  He was with us, when we moved to Alabama and heard that Haiti was now an option for us and gave us the gently nudge to start almost completely over.  He was with us when we got the call last October to hear the name and see face of the boy (who I think I already knew in my heart) was going to be our son. And, he has been with us (three times now) as we have had to say goodbye to our son as we wait for the necessary paperwork to be done so he can come home.  He has been there for every second of this experience, and He KNOWS the pain and frustration it has caused us.  But, He doesn't see it as a burden.  He sees it as Holy. Just like that friend who holds your hand while you wait for news or an operation or as you pray alongside of a friend while their marriage struggles or they wait for God to provide a job.  We would NEVER view those times as a burden, and He doesn't either. 

So, today, I have a new attitude about these final days of the wait.  I know that my Guide, the Counselor, is teaching me something in these last weeks (or months) of waiting that He cannot teach me any other way.  His plans are always higher than mine, and so I must trust that He means them for my good.  He values this time with me, as much as I value sweet times with my children.  So, instead of asking God to take the burden of waiting from me, instead, I am going to ask Him to help me wait WELL.  

Help Me

It's taken me almost eight months to write this post. 

Eight months ago tomorrow was the last day we spent with our son in Haiti for our socialization visit.  We were such a mix of emotions.  We had spent 14 days away from our kids, our home, and America.  And, while we had spent some amazing time with our son and made some precious memories, both with him, and with our new friends, we were READY to come home.  Except for the part where we had to leave our son behind. 

From the beginning of the process (before we even said "yes" to adopting from Haiti), when we were told that Haiti's process required adoptive parents to go on a "bonding" trip to meet their child and spent 14 days getting to know them, and then walk away for 1-2 years, I knew this part would be HARD for me.  But, I really had no idea.  We spent a lot of time with him that last day.  A LOT of time.  It was our longest day with him, and spending that much time with a 3 year old, in another country, while living on a compound is not easy.  By the end of the day, he was pretty worn out and truly ready to go back to the orphanage.  I remember wanting to tell him that we would be back, but not tomorrow.  I remember telling him that we loved him.  And, he kept telling us "I love ou.  See you to-mah-woah."  And, I knew he didn't understand.  And, then they drove off with him. 

I immediately went back in the guesthouse and began to pack.  I deal with emotions I don't want to deal with by staying busy.  And, I also think I knew if I sat down for a second, I would lose all control, and we wouldn't get our things packed.  So, I sorted and packed.  And, I held it together even as I began packing the toys, and his sippy cup, and a few things of his that we had decided to keep for our next trip. And, when I finished packing, I laid down on the bed and sobbed.  I cried until I couldn't cry any more, and then I just went to the bathroom and washed my face and went to bed.  I remember telling Neal that it was the hardest thing I have ever done and the most conflicted I have ever felt.  I missed the 3 kids we had at home and so desperately wanted to see them, but I knew that I truly would be leaving a part of my heart behind.  And, I just didn't know how to do that. 

The next morning, we had to be ready early because our driver was coming to take us to the airport.  I remember Neal getting out of the bed and leaving the room.  And, with just me and God in the room, I looked at our suitcases and just lost it all over again.  I remember not even having the words to pray in that moment.  I felt God there, but I couldn't even put a prayer together.  I just remember speaking the words, "Help me."  And, as soon as the words rolled off my lips, there was peace in my heart.  The pain was just as real as it had been a few moments earlier, but what felt like despair had been replaced with a peace that didn't make sense. And, the tears slowed down and eventually stopped.  And, I was able to get up out of bed, wipe my face, and get ready to leave. 

Our ride to the airport was mostly uneventful (except that the only space left for Neal and our friend, Shane) was to ride in the bed of the truck surrounded by our luggage.  :) And, we drove through the Saturday morning market, and our friends' kiddos got to see the meat market.  THAT was an experience.  But, we made it to the airport in plenty of time.  We said goodbye to our Canadian friends who now felt a lot more like family.  We ate a quick meal in what felt like the Haitian equivalent of a food court, and we got on a plane and flew away from the island where our son lives.

I remember another mom, whose son (now home!) lived with ours at the orphanage, told me that the first month was brutal.  And, it was.  It was several days or weeks before I made it a day without crying.  But, slowly, we have learned to live in this new normal.  It has been the hardest thing I have ever done, and it has felt like the longest eight months of my life.  I know because people tell me all the time that it seems to be going by very fast, but for me, it hasn't gone fast.  I have felt his absence every single day, and I have yet to understand how to really function completely with one of my children growing up every single day in an orphanage without me.  And, allowing that to happen goes against everything in my heart as a mother.   

But, as we have walked these last eight months, one of the things that people have said to me the most is "I just don't know how you do it."  And, I don't even know what to say in those moments.  I honestly don't really feel like *I* AM doing it.  I don't even feel completely like myself most days.  It has been harder than I even thought it would be.  But, we knew this was the process when we signed up for it.  And, we didn't sign up because we thought we could DO it.  We signed up for it because we KNEW it was what GOD wanted us to do.  I knew when we signed up that this part would be too hard for me to do by myself.  But, honestly, most of the things God has called me to do in this life ARE too hard for me.  So, as you watch us wait while people pour over paperwork, and it moves through step after step after step while we feel like we are just sitting on our hands, please know that there is no way in this world that we could do this alone.  We walk around every day, we work our jobs, we do all the normal things with 3 of our kids, because God answered my feeble prayer when all I had the words to say was, "Help me." He is the most faithful friend, and we haven't walked and cannot imagine walking a day of this process without Him.  May He alone get the glory for any and all of that. 

Thank you for following our journey these last 6 years.  We are so grateful for every ounce of encouragement and support we have ever been the recipients of.  We are currently waiting on one of the most exciting pieces of the entire process, and we are hoping it comes any day. It is a piece of legal paperwork called the "adoption decree," and it is that piece of paper that will officially make a 4 year old boy in Haiti with the biggest smile, the most beautiful eyes, and more personality than you can even stand, our SON.  We are so ready for that day to get here!

"I lift my eyes to the mountains -- where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."

Psalm 121:1-2

Adoption Timeline

Here is our timeline for those who are interested!  For the moment, it only includes (most of) our Haiti timeline, and not our timeline for our adoption process previous to these dates.  As I can, I will eventually go back and add in a more complete timeline of the entire 6+ year process. 

While it appears that we have just a few steps to go, these last few steps are very lengthy, and we aren't sure that they will even happen in the order that I have laid out here.  Our best guess is that our son will be home anywhere between 6-10 months from now, but even that is just a guess.  But, we will try to keep you updated as best we can.  Thank you for following along with us. 

Transitioned to AGCI's Haiti Program from the Ethiopia Program - 10/22/2013

Haiti Home Study completed - 1/14/2014

Haiti Dossier completed - 3/11/14

Dossier Translation complete - 3/31/2014

Dossier Received in Haiti - 4/24/2014

Dossier Enters IBESR - 5/23/2014

Referral date (Matched with our son!) - 10/13/2016

Met our son!!!! - 11/11/2016

Bonding Trip - 11/11-11/26/2016

Received Article 16 letter - 12/27/2016

Submitted I-800 paperwork to USCIS - 1/05/2017

RFE (Request for Evidence) received from USCIS - 2/3/2017

RFE mailed back to USCIS - 2/7/2017

Received I-800 Provisional Approval from USCIS - 2/21/2017

Complete DS 260 - 2/22/2017

Our son attends Visa appointment at the U.S. Embassy in Haiti - 3/06/2017

Article 5 approval is received from U.S. Embassy - 3/13/2017

Case exits IBESR!!! - 6/09/2017 (Found out - 7/05/2017)

Authorization of Adoption Signed - 6/09/2017

Case enters Parquet Court - 6/09/2017

Receive the Adoption Decree -

Case transitions to the Ministry of Interior (MOI) -

Case transitions to USCIS for Visa and Passport -

Our son comes home!!!

"I could never do that."

In the Summer of 2013, we had just moved to Alabama, and we were in the middle of updating our home study for Ethiopia, when through an interesting series of events, we felt like God was leading us to move our adoption process to Haiti.  In a lot of ways, it made perfect sense.  Because of some changes in the Ethiopia process, our agency had been encouraging families to consider other countries and options for a while.  Our hearts had been with Haiti since the earthquake in 2010.  Neal had traveled to Haiti in 2012 on a mission trip, and we (and a group of friends) had partnered with Help One Now to build two houses in Haiti in 2012 and, again, in 2013.  So, when we found out that Haiti was now an option for us, it made sense that we at least consider it.

So, we prayed about it over the course of several days, and we scheduled a phone call with the person who oversees Haiti adoptions at our agency.  I still remember that phone call.  We had dropped our three children off at Awana, and we were sitting in the car outside one of our favorite restaurants.  As we talked with the Haiti coordinator, she explained that we would be a pilot family for our agency's Haiti program, if we were accepted, because Haiti's process had recently changed.  And, since we would be one of the first families to go through the "new" process, there was a lot of uncertainty about the timeline for adoptions from Haiti.  She laid out the timeline as best she could, which was hard for her, and for us, not having any real reference point at that time.  But, the piece of the timeline that stuck in my mind was when she told us that we would be matched with a child, and from that point, that it could be 1-2 years until we could bring him home.  My heart just sank.

I remember hanging up the phone with her, and we both just looked like, "Wow.  That was a lot to process."  And, as we began to talk through the call, I remember that we both felt that the Haiti part just felt RIGHT.  And, there came a point in our conversation when we talked about the long amount of time we would need to wait after a referral to bring our child home.  And, I remember finally looking at him and saying out loud, "I just don't think I can do that."  And, I will never forget when he said, "Well.  I think I can.  So, it's up to you."  And, it just sat right there.  It's up to you.

Several people have asked me along the way if Neal feels the same way about adoption as I do.  And, we will both tell you that the idea of adoption started with me.  God spoke very clearly to me about it first.  And, when I talked to Neal about it in the early stages, he did not feel the same.  And, honestly, I was really okay with that.  But, I asked him to pray about it and think about it.  And, he did.  And, every now and then, it would come up again.  And, I just always knew that if God was calling me, He would call Neal, too.  And, about 3-4 months later, that's exactly what happened.  Since then, every step we have made in this process has been one we made together.  I really don't think you can do it any other way.  If one of us was dragging the other along, it just wouldn't work.  It is much too hard of a process for that.

So, when he said that it was up to me, I knew there was no pressure.  He wasn't trying to manipulate me or impress his desires on me.  He was just telling me where he was at, and I was telling him where I was at.  But, we needed to make a decision one way or the other.  And, I needed to pray about it.  We will both tell you that God is the reason we decided to adopt.  So, I knew that He was the One whose opinion mattered the most.  I really felt like I knew that the answer was Haiti.  But, we had just had our hearts ripped out not even a year before when we lost a referral, and I was still grieving that loss.  I had learned the hard way that we were going to get attached to this child, once we had a referral.  And, I just couldn't fathom waiting so long to get him home.  It honestly sounded like a deal-breaker to me.

So, I went to God and told Him that I didn't think I could do it.  And, there have been very few times in my life where I felt like I prayed, and God IMMEDIATELY responded.  But, that day, He did.  Immediately, I felt the Holy Spirit say, "So, is this about you?  Or, is this about orphans?"  And, I knew that I had my answer.  It didn't matter that I didn't think I could do this.  All that mattered is that I was supposed to do this.

So, we switched our process to Haiti.  What I had no way of knowing then was that the sweet little boy who our family is now matched with was just a few months old and already living in an orphanage.  And, for the last few months, since I have seen his name matched with ours, and seen his face, and since we have held him in our arms, I have been replaying this conversation over and over again in my head. I cannot tell you the number of times that people have heard our story, listened to how long our wait has been, or heard that we have met him and had to leave him, and they have said, "I could never do that." And, honestly, I cannot describe to you the feeling that comes over me when I hear that.  Because that was almost MY answer, too. 

It is heartbreaking to me because I feel like somehow I feel like I have given people the impression that I am the one doing this.  And, I am not.  Or, that I have some superhuman strength to withstand hard things.  And, I do not.  Or, that somehow that walking away from a little boy who is meant to be my son was somehow easier for me than it would have been for them.  It was not.

One of the things that most frightens me about our adoption process is that people will see US and not God.  There is no way in the world that we would be IN the adoption process had it not been for God.  There is no way that we would have STAYED in the adoption process had it not been for God.  And, there is no way that we would be sitting in another country right now, separated from a preschool-aged boy we love, if it weren't for God.  I hope that we never send the message that this is US.

The other thing that frightens me is that someone else might believe the lie of "I could never do that."  It frightens me to think that if I had believed that lie that we would have missed out on this little boy who I now cannot imagine life without.  But, it also frightens me to think of what YOU might be missing out on if you choose to make decisions based on what you think you can and cannot do. It terrifies me to think that children may sit in orphanages all over the world because people think they cannot do this.  The bottom line is this: When we make decisions based on what WE can do, then WE get the glory.  When we choose to do the things that are beyond us, then HE gets the glory.  That's actually the plan.

A few days ago, I was talking with a friend who has heard our whole story, and is still (miraculously) pursuing adoption. And, she said, "I just have to ask you.  Knowing everything you know now, as hard as your journey has been, would you do it all over again?"  And, I told her what I am telling you now.  The answer is "Yes."  Are there parts that I wish I could have omitted?  Are there times I wish it hadn't taken 6+ years?  Do I sometimes wish ours had been the story of a crazy fast process?  Yes.  Yes.  And, yes.  But, that's not our story.  That's not our path.  And, somehow, it all somehow has led us to the boy we think was always meant to be our son.

So, for WEEKS this post has been churning in my head.  And, this is what I hope you hear from me.  Don't settle for only doing the things in life that you are sure you can do.  If God is calling you to step out and do something that is beyond what you think you can do, trust Him and take that step.  Because that is what His callings look like.  They require faith.  They require trust.  They will require more of you than you have to give. Please don't say no because it looks like more than your heart can handle. And, please don't ever for a second think we have done any of this on our own. 

Shoe Fundraiser and Why We Wait

I have not written a blog update in over two years.  I have written a few in my mind, but none of them ever even made it to a keyboard.  We have done a fair amount of paperwork these past two years, but, more than anything, we have WAITED.  I remember the first year that we were in the adoption process we met a couple who told us that they had waited over 6 years to bring their daughter home, and I remember thinking, "Wow.  I don't think I could EVER do that!" :) But, more about waiting in a minute...

This Summer, we did a shoe fundraiser for our adoption process.  We worked with a company called Funds2Orgs, and we had a wonderful experience with them.  We were unbelievably blessed by so many people (lots we knew, and some we didn't!) who donated shoes.  People drove them to our house, mailed them to us, met us in other cities, and in restaurants, and at the farmer's market.  Our friends and family shared about our fundraiser on Facebook and through text messages.  They collected from their churches, their workplaces, and their neighborhoods.  It was amazing.  And, whether you donated one pair of shoes or a carload, we are so very grateful. 

One of the biggest hurdles to overcome, for most people, when adopting a child internationally, is the financial part.  When you begin to do your research, it is mind-boggling.  Most people simply don't have tens of thousands of dollars stashed away for a rainy day.  We have seen God do some incredible things through our finances over the years we have waited, but there are still times that the figures seem daunting.  The average adoption ranges anywhere from $25,000 to $50,000.  I honestly don't know anyone whose adoption expenses were as low as $25,000.  But, I have seen that figure so much that it must be true for someone.  The longer an adoption goes on, the more expensive it becomes.  Every year in the process means more money.  While we continue to save and put money away, the fact that the cost keeps climbing (added home study fees, immigration fees, orphanage fees, and travel, etc.), there are still times when the process feels overwhelming...and unending.  Someone asked me recently how much more we needed to be fully funded.  The only answer I can give is a ballpark figure because we don't have an end in sight just yet. We really just don't know exactly.

All that said, when I first heard about the shoe fundraiser, I knew it was something I wanted to do.  I loved the entire concept of people donating what they no longer needed as a means of helping others around the world.  The only issue I had with doing the shoe fundraiser was that if we DIDN'T collect our goal of 100 bags, then we would be charged a pick-up fee.  We wouldn't have to pay the fee directly, but it would come out of the money we raised as part of the shoe drive.  And, it was a pretty significant amount to me.  So, I prayed and asked God to please help us get to 100 bags because I wanted every bit of money that was given to go directly to our adoption account. 

However, there came a point in the shoe drive fundraiser where I didn't feel like we were going to make it to 100 bags.  It just didn't even seem possible given the time we had left.  While I was driving to pick up some shoes one day, I just prayed one more time about the 100 bags.  And, I said, "God, I just don't want to pay the fee.  I want ALL of shoe money to go towards our adoption."  It felt like, at that point, that it was a God-sized amount that we had left, and I knew I needed to trust it to Him.

About an hour later, I collected some shoes and was handed a card with them.  I didn't even open the card until much later that night, and I am not even sure what I was expecting when I opened the card, but it surely wasn't what was inside.  When I opened the card, a check fell out, for the EXACT amount of the pick-up fee.  I immediately had tears in my eyes.  I knew immediately that God was answering my prayer.  He was reminding me, once again, that He was in the details of our adoption and our finances.  HE was the one writing this story.  And, I believed He was telling me, right then, that He would not only provide the 100 bags (and no pick-up fee), but that He could provide the pick-up fee as a BONUS. In the end, we collected (with your help), 125 bags of shoes.  That is 25 bags over what we needed to have a free pick-up.  You helped us raise over $1,200 that went directly to our adoption account with All God's Children.  It absolutely blew my mind.  And, it was just a reminder to me, once again, that God has walked and is walking every step of this process with us. 

So, we wait.  We are trusting that the God who answers our prayers abundantly, who is so good at the details, has a plan in our wait.  I do wish we had a better update than "we are still waiting," but we don't.  We have been in the adoption process for five years and in the Haiti process for almost three.  The typical timeline for a referral from Haiti is when your paperwork has been in their system for 18-24 months.  Our paperwork has been in their system for 27 months.  If you have not figured it out yet, we are not typical.  :) But, we know we are right where God wants us to be.  He is never late.  He is never early.  He is always on time.  And, He can be trusted.  I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people why we have waited this long.  And, if we didn't know beyond a doubt that it was God who called us to this process, it wouldn't make sense to us. But, I am more sure than ever that while we are waiting, He is working.  And, we are hoping to find out what He has been working on any day now. 

Thank you so much for going with us on the journey.

The Encouragers

First, a quick adoption update for you...

As I last mentioned (a mere four months ago!), we submitted our dossier to our agency.  I won't bore you with the lengthy details, but once that happens, our dossier had to go through a few steps and travel back and forth across the U.S. to get it all ready to go to Haiti.  A few weeks later, it arrived in Haiti, where it was translated and went through a few more steps.  Then, on May 23rd, it was submitted to IBESR, which is essentially Haitian Social Services.  That is our biggest milestone in the Haiti process so far.  What that means is that we are now "officially" waiting to be matched with a child.  The estimated time frame for that to happen is "about" a year.  Which, if you've learned anything from watching our process, you probably know that time frames are very "loose." We have definitely learned not to depend heavily on them, since God is working this all out in His time, anyway.  Since we didn't actually find out that it had been submitted until June 23rd (one month later!), we had already been "officially waiting" for a month, and we didn't even know it!  Ha!  How's that for helping the time pass quickly? 

This past Monday, we had our third set of fingerprints done for U.S. Customs and Immigration.  It was our first set for Haiti, and the change in country makes this application a little different than our last.  Once we (hopefully) get that approval, there aren't any big adoption "to-do" items on the list for a while.  YAY!  So, there's a good chance that our adoption updates will not be as frequent from here on out, but we are hoping that one of the next updates will be the BIG one when we can tell you that we have seen the face of the little one we (and many of you) have been praying for over these past 3 years.

With the ups and downs of adoption, the L-O-N-G wait, the updated Home Study, yet another set of fingerprints, the heartbreak of a lost referral, the hours and hours of paperwork, the budgeting, and all the check-writing, there have been a few discouraging days for us.  We have had more than our share of happy days as well, but we have had a few days when it all just felt a little heavy.  I am sure you can relate.  We all have those days when it feels like we are just trudging through mud just trying to make it through the day. 

"But God, who encourages those who are discouraged..." - 2 Corinthians 7:6 (NLT)

"But, God..." God, the ultimate Encourager.  God, the Giver of encouragement.  "But, God encourages those who are discouraged..."

Lately, I have been the beneficiary of the gift of encouragement.  I have been blessed by a number of people who I call the encouragers.  They are the ones God has sent my way, at just the right moment, to lift my spirits, to make me smile or laugh, or to temporarily take my mind off whatever is currently weighing it down.  You know them, too.  It's the neighbor who God puts just a few doors down, in your new town, who welcomes you with a smile, a hug, and a sweet word every time you see her; and when she moves out just a short ten months later (sniff), brings YOU a farewell gift.  It's the girlfriends who text, out of the blue, just to say, "How's the adoption going?" and follow that up with an encouraging word.  It's the random cards that show up in the mail with a check inside, and words that say, "I wish I could do more" or "God told me to send you this."  And, it all just is too much, and you just sit down in the floor and bawl.  It's the friends going through their own adoption, who jump at the chance to help out with your fundraiser. It's when your husband knows that you have been a little down, and he texts some of your best friends' husbands, and they figure out a weekend when you can all get away for some girl time and just tell you to write it on the calendar.   It's the former pastor and dear friend who still sends encouragement and cheers you on even though you are now a few states away.  It's the friend, who you JUST recently met, who decides to raise money for your adoption.  It's the group of friends who change around their Spring Break plans and work schedules on short notice just to get away for a few days, laugh, and make some memories with you.  It's the friend who periodically sends you the most hilarious, random cards, just because she likes to make people smile.  It's the adoptive mom you meet at a birthday party, who befriends you and offers wisdom, encouragement and support every chance she gets.  It's your lifelong friend who sends you random things in the mail to remind you that there are friends who have known you your whole life, and by the grace of God, still love you.  It's the friends who text you to make sure you know there is a Groupon for Starbucks today. :)  It's the two groups of ladies who I am in a group text with that make my life a little happier and brighter in little bits throughout every single day, just because I know they are there for me.  It's the friends who walk in the door with a surprise gift they know that you have been wanting.  It's the person you know you can call and just talk about absolutely everything and nothing at all when life just feels a little heavy.  And, it is EVERY SINGLE TIME someone says, "I am praying for you." 

Maybe you don't know every one of these people.  But, I do.  I know them ALL.  I have been the undeserving beneficiary of their encouragement.  But, I bet if you look around, you will find out that you know people who, in their own unique way, are a lot like the ones I know.  I am so grateful for them all.  Grateful and humbled.  Grateful because their encouragement has meant more than they know.  Humbled because I want to be like them.  What I have learned from watching them is that encouragers are givers.  They are more interested in building up someone else than they are in building up themselves.  They aren't people whose lives are easy, or uncomplicated, or who have nothing better to do.  Often, the complete opposite is true.  They are people, in the middle of their own struggles, their own busy lives, their own to-do list, who simply take a minute, or an hour, or a day, to lighten your load a bit or to do something special for you.  And, I am pretty sure, most of the time, they don't know how much it means.  They are simply just doing what they do.  And, being the recipient of so much of that, has made me want to do more. 

Because I want to do better and because I love a good story, I would love to hear yours.  I'm going to ask something of you that I have never asked before because I have never been "that" kind of blogger.  I'm not sure I am even an actual blogger.  :)  It's just mostly been the way we have been able to best share our adoption journey with those who want to follow along with us.  But, if you don't mind, would you just leave a short comment for me (either here, on Instagram, or Facebook) of a way that someone has encouraged YOU lately?  I would love to hear how the encouragers have been active in your life.  And, I am sure they have been, because they are EVERYWHERE.

This road has already been more than twice as long as we thought it would be when we started down this path, but I am honestly still grateful to be here.  I'm thankful to still be moving forward.  I'm thankful that God called us to walk this road, and that every day is one day closer to our little one.  Thank YOU for going with us on the journey!

~Stacy

Blessing

Today, I woke up excited knowing that I was going to the post office to put a precious piece of cargo in the mail.  We finished up the final piece of our Haiti dossier on Friday (Thank you, Jesus!!!).  We had originally planned to put it in the mail on Saturday, but at the last minute, decided to wait until Monday.  Just like when we went through this process with our paperwork for Ethiopia, I managed to miss every deadline for finishing this dossier that I set for myself.  Three of them, in fact.  I think God probably loves that.  He is always having to remind me that He is in control, and that things actually DO work on His timeline, not mine. 

There have been so many conversations in our house during these last few months as we have worked through the paperwork trail, again.  But, one of the biggest challenges this go-around was that when we felt God leading us to change from Ethiopia to Haiti, we knew it was going to be another challenge to our finances.  This second dossier was not something that was in our financial plan.  But, we were confident that it was in His plan.  As we were nearing the end of our dossier and coming up on another big payment, God made it very clear to my heart one day, just last week, that He called us to adopt, and that He would provide the finances.  I felt it so clearly that I immediately burst into tears.  I knew that He would provide. 

So, today my little man and I made a trip to the post office and happily mailed off our dossier.  With it, went a huge chunk of our savings.  But, there was peace in my heart.  Then, we ran a few more errands and came home to eat lunch together.  As I finished my lunch, I received a text from my friend, Layla (who goes to our church and is also adopting from Haiti!  How cool is that?!), and she asked if she could share my blog on her blog.  Now, if you have never checked out her blog, you totally should.  It's so incredible!  So, laughing a little in my head at how infrequently I blog, I said "Sure!"  Why not, right? 

It wasn't until about an hour later, when little man was down for a nap, and I had a moment to sit down, that I decided to spend some time catching up on Layla's blog.  What started as another fabulous blog post by Layla, ended with me in a puddle of tears.  The very puddle I had joked about on Facebook earlier.  God, in all His goodness, had laid our family on Kevin and Layla's hearts.  And, we were about to be the beneficiary of a blessing we never saw coming.  I will never get over it when people tell me that God has laid us on their hearts.  While they were praying through their own dilemma, He was assuring me He was taking care of ours.  What an absolute joy it is to be a part of the plan He has for our lives.  He has already convinced me that He is writing a much better story than I could have ever dream up. 

I cannot wait for you to read how God is once again revealing Himself in our adoption.  Head on over to The Lettered Cottage now and read the rest of the story.

"The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it." - 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Thank you for taking the journey with us! 
Stacy

One Year Later

It has been one year.  Not since my last post, but it has been more than a year since we lost the referral for the twins.  Just typing that sentence is STILL enough to bring tears to my eyes.  The term, "adoption loss" is something we have come to understand personally.  It is still hard some days.  I still cry sometimes.  But, the one verse that God has reminded me of this last year is...

Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."  

I have repeated it over and over in my mind some days.  And, because I believe God and His Word, I have known that He was truly going to somehow work this all for good in our lives.  But, I have often asked Him how.  And, I have asked Him at least 100 times, "What in the WORLD was that about?"  And, honestly, this past year has been one of the quietest years that I have walked through in my relationship with God.  There were no real answers.  There was just a very real feeling that He was there with me in the middle of it all.  But, in the past few weeks, He has started showing us some glimpses of His plan.  Reminding me that nothing takes Him by surprise.  Showing us that He has been working.  For our GOOD.  For His purposes. And, I can't wait to tell you what He has been up to.

 

But, first, let me back up.  We lost the referral for the twins in October of last year.  I will spare you the details of what all went down to make that happen, but suffice it to say, we knew our first step was to cut ties with our Home Study agency.  We did, and God showed us very clearly that it was a step in the right direction.  We started a Home Study update for Illinois (with a new Home Study agency), and, with the blessing of our adoption agency, we started pursuing a concurrent (two-country) adoption process, for both Ethiopia and the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC). Then, God did something completely unexpected.  

Neal came home the week before Christmas, and said that there was an opportunity for us to transfer (with his job) to Alabama.  It wasn't "home" for us, but it was close.  It would put us 2-3 hours from family and also 2 hours or so from many of our friends in Columbus, Georgia.  He would have to apply and be selected, but we only had 24 hours to decide what to do.  After talking about it, we decided to go for it.  And, we prayed a prayer we have prayed often over the years, that if it wasn't meant to be, that God would close the door.  Needless to say, a few days before our 15th Anniversary, we found out we were moving to Alabama.  We. Were. THRILLED.  

One of my biggest hesitations about Neal requesting the transfer was that it would halt our adoption process for a several months.  Although we would technically still be "in the process," we wouldn't have a current Home Study until well after we were settled in our new house in Alabama, which I knew would be months, and, we wouldn't be eligible to accept a referral, should one come our way.  Again, God provided confirmation.  Our fingerprints that we had taken in December to work on our Illinois update, came back to us the week after our anniversary in January.  They had been un-readable and needed to be re-done.  (Don't even get me started on why it took 6 weeks for them to determine this.  SERIOUSLY.) This had never happened to either of us before in the process. For me, it was added confirmation. 

We spent the next few months preparing to move, selling our house, looking for a new house, living in a hotel for a month (enough said), and finally, moving into a new house.  All the while, our adoption agency continued to prove themselves supportive, patient, and understanding.  There was no pressure from them at all.  However, they also made the decision in the middle of all of this to stop issuing wait list numbers. So, if you are wondering what happened with that or what number we are, there's your answer.  We were #77 in April, and that's the last we know.  :)

Fast forward to August.  It's almost time for school to start, and we feel like it is time to start the Home Study update.  At this point, to be honest, it had a lot to do with the fact that our Immigration paperwork was coming up on a deadline, and it really came down to the fact that we felt like we just needed to be obedient to what we believe God has called us to do.  People adopt for a lot of reasons.  Some have great stories to go with their reasons.  Neal and I will tell you every single time that we simply believe God intervened in our contentedly 3-children-are-enough-for-us life and put adoption on our hearts.  It's just our story.  But, at this point, when I would think about our process, the loss of the referral, and the mountain it felt like that was still in front of us, I have to say that a lot of days, I honestly just didn't want to do it.  But, at the end of the day, we knew God was still telling us it was time to move forward. 
 

So, we started our Alabama Home Study update.  And, it was exactly as much fun (ZERO), as it had been the last two times we had started a Home Study except for the fact that this time our Home Study agency has been wonderful!  But, for me, this step forward was crucial in my relationship with God.  It didn't get easy. But, I felt God very quietly speaking to me again. And, I felt like during those few weeks, He began helping me process and make some sense of the last year of our lives and showing me ways that He had been in the details.  He began to show me that, even in the loss, even in the move, even in the extended wait, and even in quiet, that He had been working.   

Over and over again throughout this process, so many people have asked us "Why Ethiopia?" or "How did you choose a country?" And, our answer has always been, "We wanted to go to a country where there was great need."   That, for us, was the requirement.  What you also must understand is that very often, in international adoption, countries just rule themselves out because they each have their own unique requirements for adoptive parents.  We started with an initial list of countries that tugged on our hearts, but we slowly began crossing countries off the list for various reasons (i.e. we weren't old enough, we had too many biological children, we couldn't be in another country for months, etc.).  So, at that time, we very happily ended up in Ethiopia.  But, what we learned at our home visit a few weeks ago is that due to some recent changes, we now met the requirements for Haiti.  For HAITI.  Some of you who know us well can probably imagine how quickly our ears perked up when we heard that news.  Haiti was the first country to be crossed off our list initially.  We were ruled out by THREE requirements at the time.  By the end of this year, we will meet them all. 

So, the next few days were spent talking, praying, and investigating the possibilities.  After all of that, we felt God opening the door for us to move forward, all the while praying, again, for Him to shut it if it was not meant to be.  Suffice it to say, He has very clearly opened the doors for us to move forward.  So, as of last week, we officially terminated our Ethiopian adoption process and transferred to our agency's new Haiti adoption program.  We are EXCITED. 

I know for some of you, this might make no sense, and for others of you, it will make perfect sense.  Haiti has been heavy on our hearts since the earthquake in 2010.  Neal spent 10 days in Haiti last Summer on a mission trip, and I have no doubt that he would have been back this Summer if it hadn't been for the move.  And, almost two years ago, God led me to organize a group of runners to run a 5K and raise enough money to build a house in Haiti through a wonderful organization called Help One Now.  And, in April of this year, we were able to raise money for a second house!  You can read the story of those houses here.  It's fairly safe to say that Haiti has had our hearts for a while.  And, now, it looks like we have a child there as well.  And, for my "Run for a Reason" friends, I think you should know that the orphanage where will we go one day to pick up our child is in the SAME VILLAGE as our first Run for a Reason house.  How's that for AWESOME?  It honestly feels like its a story only God could write.  

I know that for those who have walked this journey with us from the beginning, that the change is a lot to process.  It is for us as well.  To answer the number one question that I am sure will come our way, the timeline is about 2-3 years.  From now.  But, that's honestly what I believe we still had left to go in our Ethiopia process.  Y'all just sit tight.  It's going to be a ride.  Like, a LONG ride.  We are currently finishing our home study update for Alabama and working on our Haiti dossier.  We are hoping to be done in the next few weeks with all of the above, but nothing about our process has moved on our timeline, so we shall see.  I tell everyone who asks about our adoption that ours will probably be the longest process you have ever heard of.  But, I can tell you for sure that God is the One moving us forward.  I was reminded of this verse in the first few days we were contemplating a transfer to Haiti - 

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:9

We feel like God is definitely guiding our steps.  We are beyond grateful to all who have walked beside us, cheering us on in our journey, especially this last year.  It has meant the world to us.  Please pray for us as we move forward.  There are a LOT of unknowns in Haiti's adoption process right now.  A lot of the details about the timeline are not firm.  And, there are some things about the timeline that are going to be HARD.  But, I will share more about those as we come to them.  But, friends, it looks like we are going to Haiti somewhere between 2-3 times in the next 2-3 years.  Isn't that just as clear as mud?  And, if you ever secretly wonder if we have lost our minds, just know that there are days when we wonder that out loud. ;)

With much love, 

Stacy

Our first heartbreak...

I have purposely put off writing this blog entry.  I knew it would eventually have to be written.  When I made the commitment to blog about our adoption journey, I made the commitment to be transparent - in the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Well, that's easier said than done, I've discovered.  But, since the last few months will likely mark the rest of the journey, it's a story that I need to share.  I had hoped that by the time that I would write this, that I could tell you what it means in our life and in our adoption journey.  I had hoped it would be all tied up with a big red bow.  But, here we are.  No pretty bow.  We are still figuring it all out.  But, the time has come to share this newest phase of our journey.

On September 28th, Neal and I received our monthly e-mail from our adoption agency giving us our newest number on the waitlist.  We were #91.  As is my monthly custom, I texted a few of my closest girlfriends with the update.  One of my dearest friends (who is also in the adoption process herself) texted me back a typical, "That's awesome!  So happy for you!" response, and then, she said something like this, "There's a set of infant, twin boys in the Democratic Republic of the Congo.  There is nobody who meets their criteria, but I think you guys do.  I just felt like I was supposed to tell you about them."  My first thought was a very profound, "HUH?"  Now, let me tell you, that this is one of my dearest friends.  She is wise beyond her years, and her husband was our (much beloved!) pastor for several years when we lived in Alabama.  And, when she speaks (or texts), I listen.  ;)  She is just THAT kind of friend.  So, we started a conversation back and forth about these boys.  How could WE be a match?  We have a Home Study and Dossier for 1 child, not 2.  And, they are for Ethiopia, not DRC.  However, she really did think we could be a match for them.  So, when Neal came home, I hit him with the news.  His questions were all the same as mine.  We talked about it.  We didn't understand ANY of it, but we came to the conclusion that we were open to hear more...

What followed was a weekend full of communication.  We talked to each other, we talked to my friend, we talked to the person who had the referral for the twins, we talked to others with info, and we talked all in between about what this could mean for our family.  After all the talking was done and we had as much information as we could get, and after discovering that pursuing the referral for the twins would (hear "should) only mean two minor changes in our Home Study (from 1 child to 2; and from Ethiopia to DRC), we decided to pursue them.  Now, for you who think that is weird or crazy or irrational or whatever, let me just explain something.  Adoption is a journey.  For us, it is about being obedient to follow God however He leads us.  You CANNOT enter the adoption journey thinking that your path will look a certain way, land you in a certain country, or that you will arrive at a certain time.  It is MUCH more organic than that.  It has twists and turns, ups and downs, and sometimes those death-defying spins that make you feel like you are going to throw up and possibly want to slap somebody.  True story.  We KNEW that before, but we BELIEVE it now.  The other thing that I must explain to you is that few years ago, I heard a sermon by David Platt (who is one of my favorite preachers/authors).  In that sermon, he said that any time that we are presented an opportunity or a need (be it the mission field, a mission trip, adoption, someone in need, etc.,) that our first response should never be "no." Our first response, if possible, should be to go prayerfully to God and ASK Him what we are to do about what has been presented to us.  Because, often our first response is based on feelings, insecurity, and a lack of faith.  And, I was greatly impacted by that sermon.  So, that's basically what we said from the beginning.  We will talk about it and pray about it and see where God leads us.  So, that's what we did.  We got all the info, and we felt STRONGLY that God was leading us to take the next step.

The next two weeks, for me, were some of the hardest in my life.  Neal and I pursued these twin boys as hard as we could.  I had, very ironically, lost my voice during the middle of all of this, so the burden of most of the fighting fell on Neal.  The very next day, we found out that the "simple changes" that needed to be made to our Home Study were not going to be simple.  THAT should not have come as such a shock to us, because NOTHING about our original Home Study was simple.  Our Home Study took 8 months to complete when the average is 2-4 months.  And, this is where I cannot get to deep into details, but we came up against a force that I cannot even describe.  This was a battle that was more than just between us and the bureaucracy of the adoption world.  This was a spiritual battle.  We fought hard for these boys, and we believed with everything in us that we were to be their parents, and they were to be our sons.  But, at the end of the day, bureaucracy won, and we lost the referral.  And, our hearts were BROKEN.

One of the first decisions that we made almost as soon as we received the referral information for the twins was that we would not look at their pictures until we knew they were going to be ours.  We also did not want to tell our biological kids (and they still don't know).  Both were good decisions.  However, God used the decision not to look at their pictures to teach me a very important lesson.  For the entire time that we have been in this adoption process, I have wondered how I would ever love an adopted child they way that I love the three biological children that He gave us.  I have heard people I trust, who know from experience, say that I will.  And, I have believed them.  But, at the same time, I have still just wondered and not understood how that would even be possible.  However, in those two weeks, God showed me the answer.  I will love whatever child or children He brings into our family through adoption exactly the same as I love the three He has already given us.  I know, because over the course of those two weeks of fighting for the twins, Neal and I fell in love with them. 

Up until this point in our marriage, we have not experienced any significant losses.  Not to say that our life has been easy or without hardship.  It has not.  However, we have not lost a parent, a sibling, a child, or had a miscarriage.  This was our first real heartbreak.  And, for those of you who have experienced one of the other losses, I am not saying they are the same.  And, I cannot even explain to you, in a way that makes any sense, the loss that we have felt over losing two little boys we have never met.  But, I can tell you it is REAL.  And, we aren't over it.  I really, really wish we were.  But, some days, I am just not sure we ever will be. 

I heard it said one time that God "entrusts us" with sorrow.  I don't know why He entrusted this to us.  But, I have NO doubt that He will one day use it for His glory.  I pray and hope that He will.  It has altered us forever.  I have no doubt that in twenty years, that I will still have tears in my eyes on some days when I think about those sweet little boys.  We are still neither one great at talking about it.  I can still get tears in my eyes just driving down the road, if I hear a certain song or something reminds me of them.  But, one thing that God has proven in our lives is that He is Jehovah Rophe - The God who heals.  And, He has already started the process of healing in our hearts.  It is not going as fast as I would like it to go, but I am convinced that these boys were meant to be part of our adoption story.  Please pray for us as we continue to move forward.  It's very tough to keep going when you know that your first loss might not be your last.  There may be more pain ahead for us.  There could be another dream that falls through.  Please pray for us that we would continue to be faithful no matter what lies ahead.

Not only has this experience impacted our hearts, it has impacted our adoption journey.  Through these two little boys, we started a process of learning about a country called The Democratic Republic of the Congo.  I went from not being able to find it on a map of Africa to having my heart broken for what is one of the saddest places on the planet and the 4th poorest country in the world.  The DRC has seen an unbelievable loss of life in recent years, and the Second Congo War was the deadliest war in the history of the world, second only to WWII.  The DRC is an extremely dangerous place for women, boys, and girls, and has earned the unlovely title of "The Rape Capitol of the World."  And, currently, the eastern DRC has been overtaken by a rebel force called M23 that is again reaking havoc on a very poor and unstable government and its innocent people, and it once again is very dangerous place to be.

All these things should make us want to run away from this country.  But, in a way I cannot explain, we are still very drawn to the DRC.  However, we are currently STILL in the process to adopt from Ethiopia.  Both countries have great need.  Both countries have 5 million orphans EACH in need of homes.  We are talking through some big decisions in our house right now.  We cannot talk too much about the details just yet, but I at least wanted you to understand where we are.  So, for the few friends of mine who have been brave enough to ask, "How's the adoption going?" I'm sorry for the barage of info that has been jumbled and fractured and confusing.  That's just where we are right now.  It honestly feels a little bit like a mess.  But, we definitely still feel like God is in it and He has a plan.  Pray for us as we figure out what that is. 

Please pray for us as we make some decisions in the coming weeks.  We are in the middle of our Home Study update with a NEW Home Study agency.  That is a blessing.  :)  Again, I can't go into specifics, but God blessed us with a new start for this new Home Study, and we are tremendously thankful for the chance at a do-over. 

More details to come soon as we figure out where this thing is headed.  As I told a friend the other day, the only thing that I am certain of right now is that ONLY God knows how this will all play out.  But, I am certain He knows.  And, I am certain He is still in it. 

Bless you for caring enough to follow our journey.  So many of you have encouraged our steps on days when we needed it most.  We are doing our best to follow His leading one day at a time.

Blessings,
Stacy

Isaiah 1:17 and our 2012 T-Shirt Fundraiser

Isaiah 1:17 - "Learn to do right!  Seek justice, encourage the oppressed.  Defend the cause of the fatherless, plead the case of the widow."

A verse that has had a HUGE impact on my life over the last few years is absolutely the verse that I felt God would have us to use as the theme of our adoption t-shirts this year.  I am SO excited to share this with you. A super-talented friend of ours has shared her God-given gift with us and designed a t-shirt for our adoption t-shirt fundraiser this year.  And, I just LOVE it!  I wish you knew how little I actually gave her to work with.  Neal and I were THRILLED with the first picture she sent us of this shirt!  You will see why in just a second!  And, this is not the first time that she has used her creative gift to bless our family!  We are so thankful for you, Kelly Berg!

Even more exciting is that this year, we are blessed to be selling this shirt alongside two other families who are friends of ours and also in the adoption process.  We are SO excited to be in this process with both the Jones and McNitt families, and so doing this fundraiser together just seemed like the natural thing to do.  All profit from the sale of these shirts will be split evenly among all three of our families.  So, this year, when you purchase a shirt, you will not only be helping ONE family, but THREE, to bring orphans to their forever families who are waiting for them.

Again this year, our hope is to have these back to you in time for you to proudly wear them on Orphan Sunday. We would be honored if you would! This year, Orphan Sunday falls on Sunday, November 4th.  Our hope is that you would wear your shirt on that day to spread awareness for the estimated 163 million orphans in the world. 

This year, the cost of our shirts is as follows:

$20 for adults (sizes S, M, L, XL, 2XL, 3XL)
$12 for kids shirts (sizes XS, S, M, L, XL)

We will be selling these shirts ONLY for the next 3 weeks!  In order to have them back to you by Orphan Sunday, we will only be taking orders until October 21st!  So, get your order in now!!! 

To order, you may click on the yellow "Donate" button on the top left of this page, and it will take you directly to a secure PayPal link.  Once you are there, please leave the sizes that you number of shirts and sizes you would like in the Notes/Comment section. 

And, remember, every time you wear this shirt, YOU are a part of defending the cause of the fatherless!  What a blessing to be able to speak up on their behalf!

Thank you all for walking with us on this journey!
Stacy

P.S. - Don't you just LOVE the shirt???? 

The Greatest Commandments

Once again, more time has passed than I intended since I last wrote.  I don't know if it is the fact that I am in my thirties, that I have three children, that I have a husband who works a ton in the summer, or the fact that I apparently have writer's ADD that makes it impossible for me to be a consistent writer.  Maybe it is all of the above.  The one thing that I cannot blame it on is that it is definitely NOT due to the fact that God has not been speaking to me or refining me.  He has been at work SO much lately, and I cannot blame Him for there is MUCH work to do!

That said, it was He who first led me to this idea of sharing, through a series of blog posts, how this transformation began to take place in our lives.  Over the course of a few months, God began to really shape our hearts through His word, and He used a series of verses to do it.  The first is this...

Mark 12:28-30. 
One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating.  Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"  "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."  

Now, if you are wondering, if I had actually read these verses before.  It wasn't new to me.  And, I actually had them memorized.  But, they had honestly never penetrated my heart or my life.  That's the truth.  And, when I did an honest evaluation, I found that I truly LOVED Jesus.  (Or, I thought I did.)  But, what I found is that I was NOWHERE close to loving people as much as I loved myself.  Now, hear me out.  I loved my friends, I loved my family, I loved my church family, I loved the people in my life group, but h-o-n-e-s-t-l-y that is about where it stopped.  I loved people that were convenient for me to love.  I loved people who were like me.  I loved people who believed and acted like me.  I loved people who were middle class Americans.  If you had asked me, prior to this, if I loved others (as in the ones not in these categories), I would probably have said yes.  But it would have been a lie.  Because so many other verses in the Bible started to really speak to me as well...

Mark 10:21 - "Jesus looked at him and loved him.  'One thing you lack,' he said. 'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then, come follow me.'"

John 14:21 - "He who has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me."

I Corinthians 13:13 - "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love."

Galatians 5:14 - "The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

But, it honestly never occurred to me that I was to actively, physically, emotionally pour myself out for those who didn't fall into those categories. 

Then, we (Neal and I) started to take an honest evaluation of where we were (and were not) pouring ourselves out - our time, money, and resources - and, we found out that they we were living mostly for we, us and ourselves.  We tithed, and we gave offerings when we felt moved to do so, but that was about where it ended.  So, we started really examining the way we were living our lives and asked God what He would have us do differently.  By the way, don't pray that prayer and ask Him that question unless you want Him to answer you.  Because He will, and He did.  I will not bore you with all the details of our selfish life or all the changes that we began to make, but I will tell you the one obvious thing that came out of us praying that prayer was a very clear call to adoption.  It would be several months before we were sure that was where He was leading and would start the process, but He begin laying it on our hearts very soon after praying that prayer.  But, that's another post for another day.  :)

But, more than adoption, God showed us that we truly were not really living a life of love.  And, we really started asking some hard questions.  Like "What does it mean to love my neighbor as myself?"  Does that mean that we are literally to spend as much time, energy, and money on others as we do ourselves - as in a 50/50 split?  And, before you say "no, that's impossible" remember that God doesn't often call us to do things that are possible.  In fact, quite the opposite.  He calls us to do things that will allow His glory to be seen.  So...What if He meant for us to take that verse literally?  What if we are meant to give away half of our money, time and resources?  These are the questions that began to invade our normal, middle-class, American thoughts.  And, as we started taking stock of our lives, we realized we were failing miserably.  So, we decided to make some changes.  One thing at a time.  One choice at a time.  But, we decided, most of all, we would pray and ask Him if He would show us how to love.  And, this is where it all started to change. 

Honestly, this is an area where I still fail.  Every. Single. Day.  When the Pharisees tried to trip Jesus up in that moment and make him choose a commandment that was the most important, I think they were stunned by his response.  I think, it was because they were rule-followers.  They were legalists.  They were strict followers of the law, but they were short on love.  And, honestly, I think they were a lot like me at times.  Like us.  Give us a list of rules to follow, and we are golden.  Tell us what not to do, who to boycott, how we can do more for ourselves, give more to those who already have too much, serve without going into scary areas or getting our hands too dirty, and we are happy. As David Platt says in his bestseller, Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream, "When we gather at the building, we learn to be good.  Being good is defined by what we avoid in the world.  We are holy because of what we don't participate in (and at this point we may be the only organization in the world defining success by what we don't do)." 

But, start talking about pouring our lives and savings accounts out for those who openly sin, taking a stand for those who can't, giving to those who are so poor they can never repay us, sacrifice our time or our family's time, or alter the "plan" we had for our life, and suddenly, we start getting uncomfortable.  We start spitting out words like "radical" and "Jesus freak" and accusing people of taking the words of Jesus "too literally."  Because, then, when we are truly loving it ceases to be about us.  In our self-obsessed culture, it is often hard to even do these things and not have ourselves get in the way.  We only want to give, if we can be sure the money will be spent well.  We only want to share our time, if we can be sure it will be worth it.  We can't even go on a mission trip unless we know what is in it for us.  It's sad.  It's a VERY difficult mindset to change.  But, Jesus knew all that.  You see, He was speaking to the religious elite.  The church crowd.  Those who knew the Scriptures.  They probably had perfect attendance.  Because, remember, they liked to follow the rules.  And, he was telling them what was most important was what they had not yet gotten.  Loving people is messy, it can be dangerous, it can be heart-wrenching, it can be disappointing, it can cause us physical and emotional pain, and it is just plain HARD. But, Jesus said loving God and loving people were the most important things. 

But, you know what?  Even though making changes to what used to be "normal" for us was difficult in the beginning, we have tried our best to be obedient to the things that God has asked from us.  As I told a friend a while back, we just started looking for opportunities to say "yes" to God.  And, they just keep coming.  It is still a struggle some days.  We live in a culture that says we should serve ourselves first and give our leftovers away.  But, s-l-o-w-l-y, we have started to loose our grip on the things of this world and started to grasp on to the things of God.  And you know what?  It has gotten much, much easier.  And, it has been the most freeing thing.  And, we have started to comprehend what Jesus meant when he said this...

 John 15:11-13 - "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

He told us, so that our JOY may be COMPLETE.  How much do you love that?

Love God. Love people.  That's it, folks.  It was meant to be a very simple life, really.

"Do you know that nothing you do in this life will matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people he has made?" - Francis Chan, Crazy Love

Undoing

Wow!  It is has been 4 months since my last blog!  And, boy, what a ride those 4 months have been!  This past week was HUGE for us.  We F-I-N-A-L-L-Y were able to go to our USCIS fingerprint appointment which was the LAST item on our list before we could submit our dossier.  We went to our appointment and then mailed in our dossier the same day.  On Friday, our dossier arrived in Portland at our adoption agency, and when they called to confirm that it had arrived, we were SO surprised to hear them say that it looked "perfect!" Nothing about our process has gone that smoothly or quickly.  NOTHING. Then came the surprise I wasn't expecting.  Our caseworker said that they were going ahead and putting us on the wait list, which I thought would take WEEKS!  So, with that said, here is our first wait list number...

That's right!  We are officially #124 for an Ethiopian baby boy!  Our estimated wait time is 18-24 months from now to get a referral.  And, we are going to trust God that the day will not come a day to soon or a day too late.  Feel free to remind me of this in the days ahead.  :)

For me, Friday was a high.  The road blocks we hit at the end of 2011 truly had us wondering a few times if we would ever make it this far.  Without getting into specifics, we underwent some pretty intense spiritual warfare and our adoption process took the brunt of the attack.  A normal Home Study should only take 3-4 months to complete, and, when all was said and done, ours took NINE.  It was rough.  But, God is faithful, and He is victorious.  And, He proved that through the process of our Home Study.  And, through it all, we remained convinced that we started the journey of adoption not because it was something WE sought, but rather, it was something that God called us to do.  And, where God calls, He equips and provides.  And, that is what He did.  The timing has not been ours, and still is not ours.  But, we are resting in the fact that HE is in control. Today is only day 3 of what will likely be a LONG wait, but once again, we are trusting in Him. 

From the beginning of this blog, my deepest desire was to share our journey with whomever might be interested.  My deepest desires have been to be real, to be transparent, for God to speak through me in some small way, and for Him to be glorified.  So, because of those things, I want to share with you what God has done in my heart over this last year and a half.  It's kind of the "back story" to our adoption.  It's been something that I have felt like for a while that God has wanted me to share, but, honestly, it's a long story.  It's something that I have tried to share with people in shorter conversations, and I usually just walk away feeling like I didn't do it or God justice. 

Over this past year or so, God has been doing some major work in my heart.  MAJOR.  And, much of the time, it has not been pretty.  I don't even know how to put into words what God has done in my heart over the past year and a half.  Going through the process of adoption has been the most refining thing I have ever done in my life.  Nothing has ever required as much faith or as much trusting as this has.  Nothing has required this much transparency or surrender.  I can't even describe it.  It has been deeply emotional, gut-wrenching, and just really, really HARD.  It's also been one of the most joyful, most fulfilling, most satisfying things I have ever done.  I have had more peace and felt more freedom in my spiritual life than at any other point so far.  And, as one of my friends who walked this road ahead of me shared with me early on, I have SEEN God like never before.  He has been SO real to me through every step of the process.  I am beyond grateful that God called us to walk this path. 

I want to share with you my story.  Not because I have anything spectacular to say.  I have said it before, but blogging is a little (lot) out of my comfort zone.  I truly do it because I want to share what God has done.  I hope that comes across to anyone who cares to read my blog.  I want to share with you my heart and what God has done throughout our adoption process and what He continues to do.  However, I am going to warn you, it is going to take me several posts.

This period of our lives, this journey, has been what I can only call a "undoing" of sorts in my Christian faith.  I decided to follow Jesus early in my life, but, I have to honestly say that I took the "saving" and "grace" part of my faith much more seriously than I did the "following" and "obedience" until God really grabbed my attention sometime in the summer of 2010.  If you have been around me for more than five minutes since that time, you probably already know that God used the book Crazy Love to start this undoing.  Through that book, He began to awaken me to some biblical truths that I honestly had never seriously considered or contemplated before, despite being in church my entire life.  But, more than that, Crazy Love caused me to dive into the Bible like never before, to try to understand what it really means to be a follower of Jesus.  What was wild to me, is that much of what I was reading and coming to understand about what God really cares about was NEW to me.  Not that I hadn't read these passages before, but somehow, even after years of outstanding church attendance, daily quiet times, and Bible reading plans, I had never understood that as followers of Christ, we are actually supposed to DO something with His words, and not just the ones that we like. 

So, what I would like to do over the course of several blog posts is to share my heart.  You can follow along with me or not.  As I said, I started this blog not because I have great things to say, but because I wanted to share with you my journey.  I wanted to be transparent.  And, I wanted to share with you what God is really doing in our lives.  And, I would love to hear what He is doing in yours.  I love to hear a testimony about what Jesus is doing to transform a life.  I have come to realize that I have spent the majority of my walk with God not living a life of transformation.  There have been transforming moments, but not daily transformation.  Somewhere along the way, I started to think that going to church, reading my Bible, and occasionally sharing my faith with someone was enough.  What I have learned is that God desires for our faith to continually transform us.  I had become very stagnant, and honestly, I was pretty happy sitting in my stagnation.  If that sounds gross, it should.  I now think my stagnant faith was pretty disgusting.  And, while I do not pretend for a second to have this all figured out, I do know that Jesus is daily transforming me, and He has been slowly stripping away the things that do not matter (a lot of them) and building back my faith with the things that do matter.  It's the process of sanctification walked out.  Of making me holy.  And, people, it's a lot of work.  I have so far to go.  The process has been been uncomfortable, it has been frustrating, but it has been absolutely the most liberating thing I have ever experienced.

The way that I want to share with you my journey is to share the scriptures that were my absolute undoing.  These are the ones that changed my life.  And, they all still affect me on almost a daily basis.  I hope they are still changing me to be more like Jesus.  He has changed my heart.  And, it didn't happen with a one-time prayer.  It is still happening.  And, I hope that if it isn't clear yet, that one day it will be evident by my actions and by the way that I love.  I'm a work in progress, folks.  There's still so much work for Him to do.
So, I guess, this is a "stay tuned" kind of post.  I hope you will come back for the next one.  I'd love to hear what you have to say about the first passage.  It's from the book of Mark, and, in what I have to assume was God's perfect timing, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and it was the start of my coming undone. 
Thanks for sharing the journey!  I'm so blessed to have you along for the ride! 
Stacy