Once again, more time has passed than I intended since I last wrote. I don't know if it is the fact that I am in my thirties, that I have three children, that I have a husband who works a ton in the summer, or the fact that I apparently have writer's ADD that makes it impossible for me to be a consistent writer. Maybe it is all of the above. The one thing that I cannot blame it on is that it is definitely NOT due to the fact that God has not been speaking to me or refining me. He has been at work SO much lately, and I cannot blame Him for there is MUCH work to do!
That said, it was He who first led me to this idea of sharing, through a series of blog posts, how this transformation began to take place in our lives. Over the course of a few months, God began to really shape our hearts through His word, and He used a series of verses to do it. The first is this...
Mark 12:28-30.
One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?" "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."
Now, if you are wondering, if I had actually read these verses before. It wasn't new to me. And, I actually had them memorized. But, they had honestly never penetrated my heart or my life. That's the truth. And, when I did an honest evaluation, I found that I truly LOVED Jesus. (Or, I thought I did.) But, what I found is that I was NOWHERE close to loving people as much as I loved myself. Now, hear me out. I loved my friends, I loved my family, I loved my church family, I loved the people in my life group, but h-o-n-e-s-t-l-y that is about where it stopped. I loved people that were convenient for me to love. I loved people who were like me. I loved people who believed and acted like me. I loved people who were middle class Americans. If you had asked me, prior to this, if I loved others (as in the ones not in these categories), I would probably have said yes. But it would have been a lie. Because so many other verses in the Bible started to really speak to me as well...
Mark 10:21 - "Jesus looked at him and loved him. 'One thing you lack,' he said. 'Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then, come follow me.'"
John 14:21 - "He who has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me."
I Corinthians 13:13 - "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
Galatians 5:14 - "The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
But, it honestly never occurred to me that I was to actively, physically, emotionally pour myself out for those who didn't fall into those categories.
Then, we (Neal and I) started to take an honest evaluation of where we were (and were not) pouring ourselves out - our time, money, and resources - and, we found out that they we were living mostly for we, us and ourselves. We tithed, and we gave offerings when we felt moved to do so, but that was about where it ended. So, we started really examining the way we were living our lives and asked God what He would have us do differently. By the way, don't pray that prayer and ask Him that question unless you want Him to answer you. Because He will, and He did. I will not bore you with all the details of our selfish life or all the changes that we began to make, but I will tell you the one obvious thing that came out of us praying that prayer was a very clear call to adoption. It would be several months before we were sure that was where He was leading and would start the process, but He begin laying it on our hearts very soon after praying that prayer. But, that's another post for another day. :)
But, more than adoption, God showed us that we truly were not really living a life of love. And, we really started asking some hard questions. Like "What does it mean to love my neighbor as myself?" Does that mean that we are literally to spend as much time, energy, and money on others as we do ourselves - as in a 50/50 split? And, before you say "no, that's impossible" remember that God doesn't often call us to do things that are possible. In fact, quite the opposite. He calls us to do things that will allow His glory to be seen. So...What if He meant for us to take that verse literally? What if we are meant to give away half of our money, time and resources? These are the questions that began to invade our normal, middle-class, American thoughts. And, as we started taking stock of our lives, we realized we were failing miserably. So, we decided to make some changes. One thing at a time. One choice at a time. But, we decided, most of all, we would pray and ask Him if He would show us how to love. And, this is where it all started to change.
Honestly, this is an area where I still fail. Every. Single. Day. When the Pharisees tried to trip Jesus up in that moment and make him choose a commandment that was the most important, I think they were stunned by his response. I think, it was because they were rule-followers. They were legalists. They were strict followers of the law, but they were short on love. And, honestly, I think they were a lot like me at times. Like us. Give us a list of rules to follow, and we are golden. Tell us what not to do, who to boycott, how we can do more for ourselves, give more to those who already have too much, serve without going into scary areas or getting our hands too dirty, and we are happy. As David Platt says in his bestseller, Radical: Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream, "When we gather at the building, we learn to be good. Being good is defined by what we avoid in the world. We are holy because of what we don't participate in (and at this point we may be the only organization in the world defining success by what we don't do)."
But, start talking about pouring our lives and savings accounts out for those who openly sin, taking a stand for those who can't, giving to those who are so poor they can never repay us, sacrifice our time or our family's time, or alter the "plan" we had for our life, and suddenly, we start getting uncomfortable. We start spitting out words like "radical" and "Jesus freak" and accusing people of taking the words of Jesus "too literally." Because, then, when we are truly loving it ceases to be about us. In our self-obsessed culture, it is often hard to even do these things and not have ourselves get in the way. We only want to give, if we can be sure the money will be spent well. We only want to share our time, if we can be sure it will be worth it. We can't even go on a mission trip unless we know what is in it for us. It's sad. It's a VERY difficult mindset to change. But, Jesus knew all that. You see, He was speaking to the religious elite. The church crowd. Those who knew the Scriptures. They probably had perfect attendance. Because, remember, they liked to follow the rules. And, he was telling them what was most important was what they had not yet gotten. Loving people is messy, it can be dangerous, it can be heart-wrenching, it can be disappointing, it can cause us physical and emotional pain, and it is just plain HARD. But, Jesus said loving God and loving people were the most important things.
But, you know what? Even though making changes to what used to be "normal" for us was difficult in the beginning, we have tried our best to be obedient to the things that God has asked from us. As I told a friend a while back, we just started looking for opportunities to say "yes" to God. And, they just keep coming. It is still a struggle some days. We live in a culture that says we should serve ourselves first and give our leftovers away. But, s-l-o-w-l-y, we have started to loose our grip on the things of this world and started to grasp on to the things of God. And you know what? It has gotten much, much easier. And, it has been the most freeing thing. And, we have started to comprehend what Jesus meant when he said this...
John 15:11-13 - "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
He told us, so that our JOY may be COMPLETE. How much do you love that?
Love God. Love people. That's it, folks. It was meant to be a very simple life, really.
"Do you know that nothing you do in this life will matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people he has made?" - Francis Chan, Crazy Love
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Undoing
Wow! It is has been 4 months since my last blog! And, boy, what a ride those 4 months have been! This past week was HUGE for us. We F-I-N-A-L-L-Y were able to go to our USCIS fingerprint appointment which was the LAST item on our list before we could submit our dossier. We went to our appointment and then mailed in our dossier the same day. On Friday, our dossier arrived in Portland at our adoption agency, and when they called to confirm that it had arrived, we were SO surprised to hear them say that it looked "perfect!" Nothing about our process has gone that smoothly or quickly. NOTHING. Then came the surprise I wasn't expecting. Our caseworker said that they were going ahead and putting us on the wait list, which I thought would take WEEKS! So, with that said, here is our first wait list number...
That's right! We are officially #124 for an Ethiopian baby boy! Our estimated wait time is 18-24 months from now to get a referral. And, we are going to trust God that the day will not come a day to soon or a day too late. Feel free to remind me of this in the days ahead. :)
For me, Friday was a high. The road blocks we hit at the end of 2011 truly had us wondering a few times if we would ever make it this far. Without getting into specifics, we underwent some pretty intense spiritual warfare and our adoption process took the brunt of the attack. A normal Home Study should only take 3-4 months to complete, and, when all was said and done, ours took NINE. It was rough. But, God is faithful, and He is victorious. And, He proved that through the process of our Home Study. And, through it all, we remained convinced that we started the journey of adoption not because it was something WE sought, but rather, it was something that God called us to do. And, where God calls, He equips and provides. And, that is what He did. The timing has not been ours, and still is not ours. But, we are resting in the fact that HE is in control. Today is only day 3 of what will likely be a LONG wait, but once again, we are trusting in Him.
From the beginning of this blog, my deepest desire was to share our journey with whomever might be interested. My deepest desires have been to be real, to be transparent, for God to speak through me in some small way, and for Him to be glorified. So, because of those things, I want to share with you what God has done in my heart over this last year and a half. It's kind of the "back story" to our adoption. It's been something that I have felt like for a while that God has wanted me to share, but, honestly, it's a long story. It's something that I have tried to share with people in shorter conversations, and I usually just walk away feeling like I didn't do it or God justice.
Over this past year or so, God has been doing some major work in my heart. MAJOR. And, much of the time, it has not been pretty. I don't even know how to put into words what God has done in my heart over the past year and a half. Going through the process of adoption has been the most refining thing I have ever done in my life. Nothing has ever required as much faith or as much trusting as this has. Nothing has required this much transparency or surrender. I can't even describe it. It has been deeply emotional, gut-wrenching, and just really, really HARD. It's also been one of the most joyful, most fulfilling, most satisfying things I have ever done. I have had more peace and felt more freedom in my spiritual life than at any other point so far. And, as one of my friends who walked this road ahead of me shared with me early on, I have SEEN God like never before. He has been SO real to me through every step of the process. I am beyond grateful that God called us to walk this path.
I want to share with you my story. Not because I have anything spectacular to say. I have said it before, but blogging is a little (lot) out of my comfort zone. I truly do it because I want to share what God has done. I hope that comes across to anyone who cares to read my blog. I want to share with you my heart and what God has done throughout our adoption process and what He continues to do. However, I am going to warn you, it is going to take me several posts.
This period of our lives, this journey, has been what I can only call a "undoing" of sorts in my Christian faith. I decided to follow Jesus early in my life, but, I have to honestly say that I took the "saving" and "grace" part of my faith much more seriously than I did the "following" and "obedience" until God really grabbed my attention sometime in the summer of 2010. If you have been around me for more than five minutes since that time, you probably already know that God used the book Crazy Love to start this undoing. Through that book, He began to awaken me to some biblical truths that I honestly had never seriously considered or contemplated before, despite being in church my entire life. But, more than that, Crazy Love caused me to dive into the Bible like never before, to try to understand what it really means to be a follower of Jesus. What was wild to me, is that much of what I was reading and coming to understand about what God really cares about was NEW to me. Not that I hadn't read these passages before, but somehow, even after years of outstanding church attendance, daily quiet times, and Bible reading plans, I had never understood that as followers of Christ, we are actually supposed to DO something with His words, and not just the ones that we like.
So, what I would like to do over the course of several blog posts is to share my heart. You can follow along with me or not. As I said, I started this blog not because I have great things to say, but because I wanted to share with you my journey. I wanted to be transparent. And, I wanted to share with you what God is really doing in our lives. And, I would love to hear what He is doing in yours. I love to hear a testimony about what Jesus is doing to transform a life. I have come to realize that I have spent the majority of my walk with God not living a life of transformation. There have been transforming moments, but not daily transformation. Somewhere along the way, I started to think that going to church, reading my Bible, and occasionally sharing my faith with someone was enough. What I have learned is that God desires for our faith to continually transform us. I had become very stagnant, and honestly, I was pretty happy sitting in my stagnation. If that sounds gross, it should. I now think my stagnant faith was pretty disgusting. And, while I do not pretend for a second to have this all figured out, I do know that Jesus is daily transforming me, and He has been slowly stripping away the things that do not matter (a lot of them) and building back my faith with the things that do matter. It's the process of sanctification walked out. Of making me holy. And, people, it's a lot of work. I have so far to go. The process has been been uncomfortable, it has been frustrating, but it has been absolutely the most liberating thing I have ever experienced.
The way that I want to share with you my journey is to share the scriptures that were my absolute undoing. These are the ones that changed my life. And, they all still affect me on almost a daily basis. I hope they are still changing me to be more like Jesus. He has changed my heart. And, it didn't happen with a one-time prayer. It is still happening. And, I hope that if it isn't clear yet, that one day it will be evident by my actions and by the way that I love. I'm a work in progress, folks. There's still so much work for Him to do.
So, I guess, this is a "stay tuned" kind of post. I hope you will come back for the next one. I'd love to hear what you have to say about the first passage. It's from the book of Mark, and, in what I have to assume was God's perfect timing, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and it was the start of my coming undone.
Thanks for sharing the journey! I'm so blessed to have you along for the ride!
Stacy
That's right! We are officially #124 for an Ethiopian baby boy! Our estimated wait time is 18-24 months from now to get a referral. And, we are going to trust God that the day will not come a day to soon or a day too late. Feel free to remind me of this in the days ahead. :)
For me, Friday was a high. The road blocks we hit at the end of 2011 truly had us wondering a few times if we would ever make it this far. Without getting into specifics, we underwent some pretty intense spiritual warfare and our adoption process took the brunt of the attack. A normal Home Study should only take 3-4 months to complete, and, when all was said and done, ours took NINE. It was rough. But, God is faithful, and He is victorious. And, He proved that through the process of our Home Study. And, through it all, we remained convinced that we started the journey of adoption not because it was something WE sought, but rather, it was something that God called us to do. And, where God calls, He equips and provides. And, that is what He did. The timing has not been ours, and still is not ours. But, we are resting in the fact that HE is in control. Today is only day 3 of what will likely be a LONG wait, but once again, we are trusting in Him.
From the beginning of this blog, my deepest desire was to share our journey with whomever might be interested. My deepest desires have been to be real, to be transparent, for God to speak through me in some small way, and for Him to be glorified. So, because of those things, I want to share with you what God has done in my heart over this last year and a half. It's kind of the "back story" to our adoption. It's been something that I have felt like for a while that God has wanted me to share, but, honestly, it's a long story. It's something that I have tried to share with people in shorter conversations, and I usually just walk away feeling like I didn't do it or God justice.
Over this past year or so, God has been doing some major work in my heart. MAJOR. And, much of the time, it has not been pretty. I don't even know how to put into words what God has done in my heart over the past year and a half. Going through the process of adoption has been the most refining thing I have ever done in my life. Nothing has ever required as much faith or as much trusting as this has. Nothing has required this much transparency or surrender. I can't even describe it. It has been deeply emotional, gut-wrenching, and just really, really HARD. It's also been one of the most joyful, most fulfilling, most satisfying things I have ever done. I have had more peace and felt more freedom in my spiritual life than at any other point so far. And, as one of my friends who walked this road ahead of me shared with me early on, I have SEEN God like never before. He has been SO real to me through every step of the process. I am beyond grateful that God called us to walk this path.
I want to share with you my story. Not because I have anything spectacular to say. I have said it before, but blogging is a little (lot) out of my comfort zone. I truly do it because I want to share what God has done. I hope that comes across to anyone who cares to read my blog. I want to share with you my heart and what God has done throughout our adoption process and what He continues to do. However, I am going to warn you, it is going to take me several posts.
This period of our lives, this journey, has been what I can only call a "undoing" of sorts in my Christian faith. I decided to follow Jesus early in my life, but, I have to honestly say that I took the "saving" and "grace" part of my faith much more seriously than I did the "following" and "obedience" until God really grabbed my attention sometime in the summer of 2010. If you have been around me for more than five minutes since that time, you probably already know that God used the book Crazy Love to start this undoing. Through that book, He began to awaken me to some biblical truths that I honestly had never seriously considered or contemplated before, despite being in church my entire life. But, more than that, Crazy Love caused me to dive into the Bible like never before, to try to understand what it really means to be a follower of Jesus. What was wild to me, is that much of what I was reading and coming to understand about what God really cares about was NEW to me. Not that I hadn't read these passages before, but somehow, even after years of outstanding church attendance, daily quiet times, and Bible reading plans, I had never understood that as followers of Christ, we are actually supposed to DO something with His words, and not just the ones that we like.
So, what I would like to do over the course of several blog posts is to share my heart. You can follow along with me or not. As I said, I started this blog not because I have great things to say, but because I wanted to share with you my journey. I wanted to be transparent. And, I wanted to share with you what God is really doing in our lives. And, I would love to hear what He is doing in yours. I love to hear a testimony about what Jesus is doing to transform a life. I have come to realize that I have spent the majority of my walk with God not living a life of transformation. There have been transforming moments, but not daily transformation. Somewhere along the way, I started to think that going to church, reading my Bible, and occasionally sharing my faith with someone was enough. What I have learned is that God desires for our faith to continually transform us. I had become very stagnant, and honestly, I was pretty happy sitting in my stagnation. If that sounds gross, it should. I now think my stagnant faith was pretty disgusting. And, while I do not pretend for a second to have this all figured out, I do know that Jesus is daily transforming me, and He has been slowly stripping away the things that do not matter (a lot of them) and building back my faith with the things that do matter. It's the process of sanctification walked out. Of making me holy. And, people, it's a lot of work. I have so far to go. The process has been been uncomfortable, it has been frustrating, but it has been absolutely the most liberating thing I have ever experienced.
The way that I want to share with you my journey is to share the scriptures that were my absolute undoing. These are the ones that changed my life. And, they all still affect me on almost a daily basis. I hope they are still changing me to be more like Jesus. He has changed my heart. And, it didn't happen with a one-time prayer. It is still happening. And, I hope that if it isn't clear yet, that one day it will be evident by my actions and by the way that I love. I'm a work in progress, folks. There's still so much work for Him to do.
So, I guess, this is a "stay tuned" kind of post. I hope you will come back for the next one. I'd love to hear what you have to say about the first passage. It's from the book of Mark, and, in what I have to assume was God's perfect timing, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and it was the start of my coming undone.
Thanks for sharing the journey! I'm so blessed to have you along for the ride!
Stacy
Sunday, December 4, 2011
His Timing
Funny thing is...this blog is something that God has been stirring in my heart for weeks. It's only funny if you know the details of my week. And, then, it's only funny in a really sarcastic, ironic kind of way. I'm really not in the mood to write a blog. I'm not in the mood to share my heart. But, when God moves me to blog, I just have to. It's unbearable to have it all rolling inside of my heart until it comes out on the keyboard. This week, I am emotionally, physically, and mentally spent. I don't remember ever feeling the way that I do now. This week definitely did not end the way we had hoped.
God tends to teach me in themes. I can look back on so many times of my life and tell you what He was teaching me at that particular time...and all the events in my life at that time would revolve around a theme. The theme for this fall has been "His Timing." We have had several big things that have been heavy on our hearts for a long time. Things that we have spent HOURS praying about. Not for days. Not for weeks. For MONTHS. Heart-wrenching prayers and pleas that have driven me over and over to God in tears, in confusion, in frustration, in anger (God sees me at my worst, for sure!), and in pain. The wildest thing to me is that this Fall is the season that God chose to answer a few of those...within a few short weeks. And, He answered them ALL beyond our expectations. But, He sure didn't answer them in OUR timing.
One, that most of you know, was for Gabriel. Most of you know the story of our son's little life...or at least part of it. When I was five months pregnant, we had a day that I will never forget. First, you are having a BOY! Yay! Then, as the doctor closes the door behind her, the realization that all is not well. He has hydronephrosis...in understandable terms...he has a dilated kidney. In really simplified language, one of his kidneys doesn't drain as it should. Much later down the road, we would find out that it was "severely" dilated. Talk begins about all that it could mean...it could be a simple fix...unless the good kidney starts to fail which would mean surgery in utero. It could mean Down's Syndrome, Cystic Fibrosis, or that his other organs may not be working well either. "Would you be interested in an abortion?" (Yes, they really said that). Bi-weekly ultrasounds, constant checking, and then a few weeks later, pre-term labor. A hospital stay. 8 weeks of bedrest at home. And, finally, a beautiful 7 pound, 11 ounce baby boy born 4 weeks premature. Then, the visits to the specialist began. The realization that our son's kidney would not be one of the ones that would "heal by itself in the first year." The realization that in the world of dilated kidney's, his is REALLY bad. First tests and x-rays. Sedation for my wee little man. First procedure at six months for which there is a 95% success rate. Trusting God and waiting MONTHS to find out that we are in the 5% and that it didn't work. Disappointment. Frustration. A new attempt at a solution. Trying and waiting MONTHS again. Two trips to the ER in a week just to find out that try #2 was not a success. Gut check for us as parents. How far do we go trying to save this kidney? Praying and waiting. Trusting God but REALLY believing that we have gone all this way and that He is now not going to answer the way we were hoping and praying He would. We reached the point where we believed that our only option was the one we had dreaded...he would lose the kidney....it needed to come out. Complete emotional breakdown and sobbing for me (sorry if you saw me at church that day! It wasn't pretty!). Then, another visit with our doctor and he informs us that he has one more trick up his sleeve and is not ready to give up. Even though no one else thinks the kidney is worth saving, he feels it is. Surprisingly hopeful day for us. We feel that this is God's answer...the road we are supposed to take and we agree. One more surgery. One more chance. Surgery goes well. We wait and pray...for MONTHS. When we come to check-up day, our doctor tells us that the surgery was successful beyond what he had hoped for. And, he CANNOT tell the difference between the good kidney and the bad. He even gets them confused for a minute. We are
A-M-A-Z-E-D. Not because we didn't believe God could do it, but because we had come to a place where we didn't believe He was going to answer in the way that we had prayed. I still cannot even believe what a difference it has made in the life of our son. Four months between appointments this time...the longest he has gone in his 18 months of life. No more worries about whether or not he is peeing or how much or whether or not he is in pain. We now have a happy, healthy, ACTIVE, regularly peeing little boy. :)
Did God answer? Yes. Did He blow our minds? Absolutely. Is it because we are anything special? Not a bit. Are we humbled and in awe of a God who loves us? You bet. And, you know what? The hardest part of the entire thing was the WAIT. I couldn't stand it some days. I just wanted out. I wanted a quick "yes" or "no." "God, just say 'yes' or 'no' and I will deal with it. I can handle it if it's 'no.' The waiting, God, not so much. Can we just skip that part?" If God wasn't going to heal him, I was okay with it. But, I just was SO sick of the waiting. 22 months we spent praying for our God to heal our baby boy. And, in the end, he absolutely did. Do I wish it had happened sooner? Yep. But, strangely, I am still thankful for the process. I can't even explain why. But, I think it is because when you are petitioning God for something with every part of your being, there's a closeness that you have with Him. I learned so much about my heavenly Father, about peace that passes understanding, and about trusting His timing through this process than probably during any other time in my life. And, every day that I watch my little boy, with his huge blue eyes and sweet dimpled smile, I am reminded of the faithfulness of God. Gabriel represents God's faithfulness more to us than I can ever describe in one blog post. And, truly, I wouldn't have the understanding of the faithfulness of God that I do if we hadn't gone through the process...every day of those 22 months.
And, you know what? This week, I came to realize more about why God chose to wrap up that little chapter in our lives in the time frame that He did. He needed it to be fresh on my mind. He needed it to be wrapped up, for me to be reminded that He is faithful, to have my complete confidence in Him, to have my trust, before He took us through our next trial. This week, we got slapped smack in the face with the biggest trial so far in our adoption process. Without going into details, we had expected a pretty great end to our week. The completion of a huge step in our process. With that step literally within our grasp, it was snatched away. And, we face new delays. There will likely be waiting...and it likely will be MONTHS more before we are back to the point that we were earlier this week. This week has not been the first week of this process that I have truly felt spiritual warfare. However, I have never felt an attack of the devil so intensely in my entire walk with Jesus as I have this week. We know that, this week, we have been in a battle with the evil one. And, it has been EXHAUSTING. I am mentally, physically, and emotionally WORN OUT. I have been hurt, frustrated, and completely broken-hearted. Are we still hoping and praying for a miracle to change our current circumstances? Yes. But, you know what I know? I prayed for 22 months for a little boy with brown hair and blue eyes. I prayed for miraculous healing. I prayed that God would save a kidney that all but one doctor said wasn't worth saving. And, God answered my prayer in an amazing way...22 months after I first started asking. So, do I believe God is in control? Yes. Do I think He can still do a miracle in our situation even tomorrow? Yes. Do I know that He will? No. But, the thing that I am more convinced about than ever is this...one day, I will have TWO little boys. And, when I look at the one with light brown hair and blue eyes, I will see his little brother with dark brown hair and dark brown eyes...and they will BOTH remind me of God's incredible faithfulness. And, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will do it in His timing. Because He is working it ALL for my good. All the pain. All the hurt. All the tears. All the frustration. All the days spent just putting one foot in front of the other in obedience. One day, it will all just be part of the story of how God brought our little boy home to us. And, we are 11 months into praying for our littlest boy and, hoping against hope, wouldn't that be great if it meant we were halfway to him. :)
Thanks for going on this journey with us. It's the hardest one I have ever walked, so it means the world to us that you would go with us, and as one precious friend told me this week, "it's a privilege to lock arms with you in this battle." :)
Beaten down, bruised, but truly blessed,
Stacy
God tends to teach me in themes. I can look back on so many times of my life and tell you what He was teaching me at that particular time...and all the events in my life at that time would revolve around a theme. The theme for this fall has been "His Timing." We have had several big things that have been heavy on our hearts for a long time. Things that we have spent HOURS praying about. Not for days. Not for weeks. For MONTHS. Heart-wrenching prayers and pleas that have driven me over and over to God in tears, in confusion, in frustration, in anger (God sees me at my worst, for sure!), and in pain. The wildest thing to me is that this Fall is the season that God chose to answer a few of those...within a few short weeks. And, He answered them ALL beyond our expectations. But, He sure didn't answer them in OUR timing.
One, that most of you know, was for Gabriel. Most of you know the story of our son's little life...or at least part of it. When I was five months pregnant, we had a day that I will never forget. First, you are having a BOY! Yay! Then, as the doctor closes the door behind her, the realization that all is not well. He has hydronephrosis...in understandable terms...he has a dilated kidney. In really simplified language, one of his kidneys doesn't drain as it should. Much later down the road, we would find out that it was "severely" dilated. Talk begins about all that it could mean...it could be a simple fix...unless the good kidney starts to fail which would mean surgery in utero. It could mean Down's Syndrome, Cystic Fibrosis, or that his other organs may not be working well either. "Would you be interested in an abortion?" (Yes, they really said that). Bi-weekly ultrasounds, constant checking, and then a few weeks later, pre-term labor. A hospital stay. 8 weeks of bedrest at home. And, finally, a beautiful 7 pound, 11 ounce baby boy born 4 weeks premature. Then, the visits to the specialist began. The realization that our son's kidney would not be one of the ones that would "heal by itself in the first year." The realization that in the world of dilated kidney's, his is REALLY bad. First tests and x-rays. Sedation for my wee little man. First procedure at six months for which there is a 95% success rate. Trusting God and waiting MONTHS to find out that we are in the 5% and that it didn't work. Disappointment. Frustration. A new attempt at a solution. Trying and waiting MONTHS again. Two trips to the ER in a week just to find out that try #2 was not a success. Gut check for us as parents. How far do we go trying to save this kidney? Praying and waiting. Trusting God but REALLY believing that we have gone all this way and that He is now not going to answer the way we were hoping and praying He would. We reached the point where we believed that our only option was the one we had dreaded...he would lose the kidney....it needed to come out. Complete emotional breakdown and sobbing for me (sorry if you saw me at church that day! It wasn't pretty!). Then, another visit with our doctor and he informs us that he has one more trick up his sleeve and is not ready to give up. Even though no one else thinks the kidney is worth saving, he feels it is. Surprisingly hopeful day for us. We feel that this is God's answer...the road we are supposed to take and we agree. One more surgery. One more chance. Surgery goes well. We wait and pray...for MONTHS. When we come to check-up day, our doctor tells us that the surgery was successful beyond what he had hoped for. And, he CANNOT tell the difference between the good kidney and the bad. He even gets them confused for a minute. We are
A-M-A-Z-E-D. Not because we didn't believe God could do it, but because we had come to a place where we didn't believe He was going to answer in the way that we had prayed. I still cannot even believe what a difference it has made in the life of our son. Four months between appointments this time...the longest he has gone in his 18 months of life. No more worries about whether or not he is peeing or how much or whether or not he is in pain. We now have a happy, healthy, ACTIVE, regularly peeing little boy. :)
Did God answer? Yes. Did He blow our minds? Absolutely. Is it because we are anything special? Not a bit. Are we humbled and in awe of a God who loves us? You bet. And, you know what? The hardest part of the entire thing was the WAIT. I couldn't stand it some days. I just wanted out. I wanted a quick "yes" or "no." "God, just say 'yes' or 'no' and I will deal with it. I can handle it if it's 'no.' The waiting, God, not so much. Can we just skip that part?" If God wasn't going to heal him, I was okay with it. But, I just was SO sick of the waiting. 22 months we spent praying for our God to heal our baby boy. And, in the end, he absolutely did. Do I wish it had happened sooner? Yep. But, strangely, I am still thankful for the process. I can't even explain why. But, I think it is because when you are petitioning God for something with every part of your being, there's a closeness that you have with Him. I learned so much about my heavenly Father, about peace that passes understanding, and about trusting His timing through this process than probably during any other time in my life. And, every day that I watch my little boy, with his huge blue eyes and sweet dimpled smile, I am reminded of the faithfulness of God. Gabriel represents God's faithfulness more to us than I can ever describe in one blog post. And, truly, I wouldn't have the understanding of the faithfulness of God that I do if we hadn't gone through the process...every day of those 22 months.
And, you know what? This week, I came to realize more about why God chose to wrap up that little chapter in our lives in the time frame that He did. He needed it to be fresh on my mind. He needed it to be wrapped up, for me to be reminded that He is faithful, to have my complete confidence in Him, to have my trust, before He took us through our next trial. This week, we got slapped smack in the face with the biggest trial so far in our adoption process. Without going into details, we had expected a pretty great end to our week. The completion of a huge step in our process. With that step literally within our grasp, it was snatched away. And, we face new delays. There will likely be waiting...and it likely will be MONTHS more before we are back to the point that we were earlier this week. This week has not been the first week of this process that I have truly felt spiritual warfare. However, I have never felt an attack of the devil so intensely in my entire walk with Jesus as I have this week. We know that, this week, we have been in a battle with the evil one. And, it has been EXHAUSTING. I am mentally, physically, and emotionally WORN OUT. I have been hurt, frustrated, and completely broken-hearted. Are we still hoping and praying for a miracle to change our current circumstances? Yes. But, you know what I know? I prayed for 22 months for a little boy with brown hair and blue eyes. I prayed for miraculous healing. I prayed that God would save a kidney that all but one doctor said wasn't worth saving. And, God answered my prayer in an amazing way...22 months after I first started asking. So, do I believe God is in control? Yes. Do I think He can still do a miracle in our situation even tomorrow? Yes. Do I know that He will? No. But, the thing that I am more convinced about than ever is this...one day, I will have TWO little boys. And, when I look at the one with light brown hair and blue eyes, I will see his little brother with dark brown hair and dark brown eyes...and they will BOTH remind me of God's incredible faithfulness. And, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will do it in His timing. Because He is working it ALL for my good. All the pain. All the hurt. All the tears. All the frustration. All the days spent just putting one foot in front of the other in obedience. One day, it will all just be part of the story of how God brought our little boy home to us. And, we are 11 months into praying for our littlest boy and, hoping against hope, wouldn't that be great if it meant we were halfway to him. :)
Thanks for going on this journey with us. It's the hardest one I have ever walked, so it means the world to us that you would go with us, and as one precious friend told me this week, "it's a privilege to lock arms with you in this battle." :)
Beaten down, bruised, but truly blessed,
Stacy
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